Little known facts about Jens Voigt

Jens Voigt

So I created little know facts about LSU running back Jacob Hester, which was a cheap knock-off of TimTebowFacts.com. Then today I got an email from a friend that sparked the idea for a similar angle, but praising the “awesomeness” of Team CSC professional cyclist Jens Voigt – so I had to share. Enjoy . . .

For those of you who might not know Jens Voigt — he is arguably the toughest of strongmen of the peloton, known for his long, often successful solo breakaways, yet another of which, at age 36, attacking with 36 km to go, he pulled off the other day to win a stage of the Giro, dropping the likes of world champ Paolo Bettini and Italian superstar Daniele Bennati.  He’s also unfailingly cheerful and friendly off the bike, perhaps the most well-liked member of the peloton.

Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.

Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.

Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.

Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”

Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960′s, where he became a great champion.

Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.

If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.

You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.

Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.

Jens Voigt can eat just one.

The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.

Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.

Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.

Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.

10 responses to “Little known facts about Jens Voigt

  1. Nice.

  2. Pingback: Best cycling quote ever. « Finding Balance

  3. Pingback: Jens Voigt crash in Stage 16 of the Tour de France « Texas Tailwind

  4. Voigt is conscious again after the crash at 50mph that left him with broken jugal bone and brain concussion.

    he already send a text message to his saxo team mates telling them to bloody focus on the remaining stages (and that’s NOT a joke)

  5. hilarious. especially the “manslaughter” — gotta love wordplays.

  6. Love this. Very funny. Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter – my fav.

  7. … and we never see Jens Voigt and Chuck Norris in the same place at the same time…

    Coincidence?

    I think not!

  8. This was tweeted during the Tour of Missouri this year. “In todays stage Tyler Wren asked Jens Voigt if he was a terminator “because when you crashed in the Tour, sparks flew from your face.” Jens replied, ” Yes, thank you. When I’m done racing I don’t eat or sleep, I just plug myself in.”

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